SNL Opener from Last Night

Absolutely priceless and spot on..... enjoy!

Finish the thought

Megan over at All I Need Is Everything borrowed this from another blog, so I feel comfortable borrowing it from her. The idea is to finish the sentence with the first thing that comes to mind. Don't spend time thinking about it, don't edit or re-edit.


I know...a lot of things that are pretty useless.

I believe... this country needs fundamental changes.

I fought... once as a kid, and that was my only physical fight.

I am angered...frequently.

I love... my mother.

I need... to become more financial stable.

I take... deep breaths to calm myself during panic attacks.

I hear... traffic outside my window, constantly.

I drink... coffee and Coke Zero.

I hate... what George Bush has done to this country and the world.

I use... my laptop, a lot.

I want... a new job and a new home.

I like... watching football by myself with chips and dip.

I feel... there's probably something wrong with my health.

I wear... what is comfortable but not always in style.

I left... a place over a year ago that I should never have departed.

I do... not think much of myself.

I hope... Barack Obama wins in November.

I dream... but I don't remember them, except the nightmares.

I drive... slower now than before to save a little gas.

I listen... to people way too much sometimes.

I type... pretty well with two fingers.

I think... I will never be happy.

I wish... I could start all over.

I am... tired a lot.

I regret... a poor choice I made last year.

I care... what people think about me.

I should... be in therapy.

I said... I love you and didn't hear it back.

I wonder... why my mind works the way it does.

I changed... from regular coffee to half-decaf.

I cry... not very often and always alone.

I lose... patience with myself.

I leave... a lot to be desired.

The Debate is on

The debate is on.... who would you pick as your five "Friends"?

My two guy roommates
Keith Olbermann... because he can talk politics, sports, and he's a funny, entertaining guy
Brett Favre... because he's a "guy's guy," someone you can slam back a beer or two with, and a regular guy you can just hang out with talking about guy stuff
Yes, I would be the "Ross" of the group

and on the ladies side
Rachael Maddow... because she's a rock star, intelligent on the verge of brilliant, and thinks the way I do
Rachael Ray... because she's perky, dinner would always be delicious, and she could help me decorate
Jennifer Aniston... because she was "Rachael," I'd hate to put her out of work, and I'd need a love interest

Let the debate begin!

No Cheers

It was a rough day. It wasn't a "drink my face off to forget the world" day, but a rough one nonetheless. In every town I've lived, I've always had a place that I could stop by after work for a drink or two, relax, and feel comfortable. One of those places you roll into like Norm or Cliff at Cheers and feel like you were amongst friends. One of those places you can let your hair down, bend the bartender's ear, and let things just be for a while. Back in Massachusetts it was The Hangar. Longer ago in New Hampshire it was The Tin Palace, Kelly O'Brians in Colorado, and the Crazy Horse Tavern in Florida. If the Wild Onion Cafe actually existed, it would be a lot like those places.

Since I moved to California over a year ago I haven't found that place. I'll be honest, I haven't looked for it either. Some of that is because I don't drink as much as I formerly did. That's a good thing I guess. In reality, I know the real reason is that unconsciously I've never accepted this place as home. Finding that "where everybody knows your name" place takes a commitment I'm not willing to make. It would be an acknowledgement that I'm in this for the long haul, which I'm not. Mentally, this place has always been just a stop on my way to where I want to be. I don't know where that is, but all my senses tell me this isn't it. I suspect deep down that I knew that even before I picked up stakes and hit the road. That is why there are still unopened moving boxes stacked in the spare bedroom, pictures and artwork on the floor and not the walls, and no Cheers to drop into for a quick beer and a laugh. My former therapist would be so proud that I can analyze myself now.

The latest job opportunity didn't materialize. That wasn't the only thing that made today rough, but it sure helped push it into the dumper. I didn't even get an interview. I'm surprised and disappointed, but not devastated. Maybe I have become more philosophical, but I feel that somehow it must not have been the right for me. The ideal opportunity will come along. It will be a near-perfect fit for both them and me. That will be the place I am meant to call home... and it will be highly likely there will be a Cheers right on the corner once I get there.

Proofread this

Maybe "Deposit in the End Zone" isn't the greatest idea for a bank contest promotion? Someone really needed to proofread this one. If you are going to Mission Federal Credit Union to make a "Deposit in the End Zone," be sure you get there early to get the best parking.

A Random Award

The time has come
to move on forward
and add another name
to the Blottie Award

My first winner
was the beautiful Suzanne
With her ferals and roses
I'm a big fan

She will always be the first
and the standard to match
for the rest to reach
to equal and catch

She shouldn't worry
and she shouldn't fret
She'll always be Blottie
of that you can bet

But another fine lady
has made herself a place
On this little blog
with her smiling face

She always cheers us up
when we're feeling sick
Her spirit is uplifting
we call her Random Chick

Her stories of kids
and tales of her ass
make us all laugh
and our down times pass

Her drunken cruise
and her lively Bitchfest
Her all-time Bitches
Her blogs are the best

Her month long party
for Suzanne was sweet
and her antics at the Cafe
are always a treat

We never know what to expect
when she adds to our lives
Her writing is creative
for excellence she strives

The things she does
both in public and private
Make our lives better
and pick us up off the matt

So raise a glass
of the finest beer
wine or champagne
and let's give a cheer

For a lady who deserves
all of our attention
For all that she does
too much to mention

Here's to you
our Random Chick
A Blottie for you
should do the trick.

Thank you so much
for being my friend
With all my love
this award I send.

Effing Comcast

The Abode of Bobness = Back to the Stone Ages

It's Saturday and I'm at work. No, I don't want to be here. No, I don't have to be here. No, the place isn't in a shambles or in crisis mode. No, you don't need to panic or send condolences. My apartment has no broadband or digital cable service. Fuck You Comcast. They can't schedule a service appointment until Monday afternoon. Double Fuck You Comcast. The Abode of Bobness has been transformed into a stone age cave over night. I'm cut off from the rest of the world, reduced to staring out the window for the entertainment of leaves falling and birds choking on the putrid air.

There will be no Ryder Cup on TV, the biggest international golf tournament that occurs every two years.
There will be no NASCAR "Chase to the Championship" on TV, racing's version of the playoffs.
There will be no College Football on TV
There will be no NFL Football on TV
There will be no Major League Baseball pennant chases on TV
There will be no last game ever from Yankee Stadium on TV
There will be no emails
There will be no instant messaging
There will be no blogging
There will be no web surfing
There will be no form of news or entertainment.

Fuck you Comcast

Update: Digital cable & broadband returned around 2:00pm Sunday. So I was without service only two full days instead of three full days. I guess when enough people in the same building bitch about it things get done. Comcast can still kiss my ass though.

What I learned in KC

What I learned in KC...

I was told by a Canadian that I sound like Dan Aykroyd. That's a compliment in my mind.

BBQ in Kansas City is good, but no where near as good as other mecca's like Memphis, North Carolina or Texas.

Frogs can't swallow with their eyes open.

Always check your toiletries before you leave home. That way you don't end up bringing an empty can of shaving cream and don't run out of toothpaste after the first day.

The people in my industry are quite possibly the best people in the world... and definitely the most fun.

Karen gave me an award while I was gone. Check her out and make an appointment to get your hair done.

I'm more convinced than ever that I need to leave my current employer to save myself mentally and physically.

Blottie... you need to look here.

I'm tired and still on Central Time so I'm going to bed.

Holy Crapper...

Man...I've been picked. I don't think that's fair. Okay, here goes,

My friend from Canada.

The trees across the street.

Wee~Piggie at the park.

Ball room dancing in my dreams.

XO

P.S. Yes, of course I'm laughing. I could do a hell of a lot more!!!

NEWS BULLETIN: Crazed Blottie in Faux Pink Leather Coat on the Loose!

She may look innocent, but this mild-mannered, animal-loving, garden-master, maker-of-really-great-art, went crazy today at the Wild Onion Cafe when a crane-fixing-master walked in wearing an actual leather coat.

"I think it started with IV's bare butt traumatizing that poor kitty...the leather coat just sent her over the edge," says Random Chick.

Another on-looker, affectionately known as Gig recalls what happened, "I just walked in and heard someone say, 'Hi Gig' then I saw a blur of pink and black. It all happened so fast."

For more details, go directly to the Wild Onion Cafe but watch the slide someone built out back. The management is not responsible if you drink yourself into a stupor and decide to go for a joy ride.

Ode to Just Bob

What can I say about Just Bob,
he is for real, he ain't no fraud.
He's great at writing rhymes,
and can whip out witty poems in no time!

Right now he's in Kansas City,
I feel for him, what a pity.
But he'll have some BBQ and fried food,
'cuz he is a down-to-earth kinda dude.

He's also an excellent bartender,
for those of us constantly on a bender.
Just wander over to the Wild Onion Cafe,
and he'll pour you a drink, and make your day.

Bob is the kind of person you'd want with you,
when you feel like doggie doo doo.
He'll make you laugh and make you smile,
while being very humble all the while.

We really love Bob even though he thinks,
he's not fit for anything, he thinks he stinks.
This is simply not true and we'll keep telling him,
until time goes out and the future is dim.

Blottie will also tell you he's a doll,
She may also guest post on here so don't bawl.
She'll do better than me...this poem sucks big time,
so without further ado I will now end this rhyme.

Stop #1

Stop #1 - Arthur Bryant's

One word - YUMMY
One Pound plate of ribs and what they call burnt ends. One order of fries (too big for anyone to finish) and a Diet Coke. $17.97 worth of deliciousness. The original sauce is vinegar based and has a bit of a bite to it. The sweet sauce still has the taste of the original, but tempered some for the less than brave BBQ'er. It's a little hole-in-the-wall place off the beaten path. It was recommended by both citysearch.com and the hotel concierge. I waited in line 30 minutes before getting to counter to place my order. It was worth every minute in line looking at the wall of famous celebrities who had graced the establishment. There was even three photos of McCain and Palin eating there together (but I won't hold that against the place). When I left the line was out the door and started to bend around the corner. I'd guess probably an hour wait for the people at the end.

Going to Kansas City

just bob will be on the road for a few days in Kansas City. Rumor has it the BBQ is pretty good there so I'll have to check it out. Be good to yourselves and one another while I'm gone. I'll write if I get 1) the chance and 2) wi-fi in my hotel room!

My story

I wasn't going to blog about 9/11. Certainly not because I don't care or that I don't remember, but because I really didn't think I had much to add. Many people far smarter and far more eloquent than I have written stirring and emotional pieces about that terrifying time in all our lives. I do have something funny for today, I'll add the link at the bottom if you choose pass on the following few paragraphs.

I was in Miami at a conference taking place at the Doral Golf Resort that morning. There were about 20-30 of us in a round table discussion about business in our size facilities. It was the typical bitchfest that these conversations can turn into. "How do they expect us to do this?" or "Company A won't return our calls." Yada, yada, yada. During the meeting someone's cell phone started ringing. Then another, then another. A plane had flown into the World Trade Center. Then another. The country was under attack. Obviously the round table broke up and everyone congregated in the hotel lobby where the staff had moved a large screen TV. Hundreds of people from all across North America were crammed into a hotel lobby watching
the world as we knew it being torn asunder. We watched the towers fall, we wondered how we were going to get home, we wondered what would happen next.

All the phone circuits were busy, I couldn't get in touch with the employees back at home. I couldn't reach my family, who knew I was traveling but didn't know when or where I was going to be. I finally reached the office, where everyone had gathered upstairs to watch together. No one thought to forward the phones, so I panicked for not being able to reach them for hours. I also got an open circuit and let my family know I was ok and would let them know more as soon as I had more to tell them. I heard from people on their way home who were on airplanes or waiting for flights at the airport when the nation's skies were shut down.

A group of friends and colleagues rented cars and prepared to drive home. The conference closing reception went on without the usual fanfare. Most of us made an appearance, feeling the need to thank all those who had put so much work into making it what it could have been. But it was short lasted as we huddled together that Tuesday night in the hotel bar watching the President address the nation. Blank stares and hushed conversations were interspersed with moments of tears and fear. A massive thunderstorm roared outside the window. A violent lightning bolt crashed to the ground, knocking out power to the hotel. We sat in darkness until the lights came back on, left with nothing but our fears accentuated by the crack of thunder and thoughts of what may come next.

The caravan left Miami at 10:00am Wednesday, 9/12. There were four in our car and another four in the SUV behind us. We drove in that same thunderstorm half way up the eastern seaboard. We listened to local radio, following the news as it crackled through the static of the storms. We stopped for gas, and bathroom breaks. We reached Columbia, SC and stopped for dinner at an Outback Restaurant. We tried to talk business or sports or anything to divert our minds. We hit the road again, our attention keen to hear the best way around Washington, D.C. on the way to Philadelphia Airport. The SUV stopped there as all its occupants had originally left from that airport. Our car lost one rider as well, and the three of us ventured on. Deep in the night, we shared the duties of driving and navigating while the back seater slept. Our next concern was how to avoid New York City. We traveled north and crossed the Hudson River over the Tappan Zee Bridge at sunrise. We listened WCBS, our gaze fixed south at the smoke plume and haze from Ground Zero. Onward to Providence, I dropped off two friends and it was just me for the last two hours of the trip to Manchester, NH.

Twenty-nine hours after the trek had started, I was home. It took some friends up to a week to get home. This Saturday I leave for that same conference. We will gather again, meet old friends and companions, play golf, and tip a beverage or two. It likely won't be mentioned, but we will all remember that Tuesday we were together seven years ago. Some have gone a different way and some have left us far too soon in life, but we share a bond from that hotel lobby and dark thunderous night... all of us a long way from home.

Today's alternate post topic:
Mother Nature makes a statement on climate change

McGross

Don Gorske did it.

23,000 Big Macs eaten over the past 36 years.
He's missed only 8 days since May 17, 1972.

The Facts...
69,000 bread buns
46,000 meat patties
12,420,000 calories
667,000 grams of fat
230,000 grams of saturated fat
1,725,000 milligrams of cholesterol
23,920,000 milligrams of sodium
*statistics found here*

The rest of the story (my version)...
30,000 massive dumps
18,000 rolls of toilet paper
13,000 plugged toilets
10,000 rolls of Rolaids
9,000 games of "pull my finger" with nieces/nephews
8,000 "two flushers"

McGross.

Flip Flops

Summer isn't officially over until September 22nd,
so I guess flip flops are still appropriate...

Relevant Experience

Since the announcement of Sarah Palin as the running mate for John McCain in the upcoming Presidential election, the term "relevant experience" has been and will continue to be bandied about amongst supporters, detractors and the media. To put things into a little bit of perspective...

Sarah Palin was mayor of Wasilla, Alaska (population: 7,025) for six years (1996 - 2002). During this time, it can be easily assumed that she oversaw all the functions of typical mayors. This would include: protecting citizens with police and fire departments, overseeing public services like utilities and public health, managing town finances, overseeing public health code enforcement, repairing and upgrading needed infrastructure, and negotiating with neighboring towns and businesses for future growth and prosperity. Since she served two terms, people must have believed she did a good job.


just bob has been General Manager or Executive Director of public assembly facilities (6,000 to 9,000 seat capacities) for seven years (2001 - 2008). During this time, it can be easily assumed that he oversaw all the functions of typical executives. This would include: protecting guests with police and fire services, overseeing public services like utilities and public health, managing facility finances, overseeing public health code enforcement, repairing and upgrading needed infrastructure, and negotiating with neighboring promoters and businesses for future growth and prosperity. Since he was promoted twice to larger facilities, people must have believed he did a good job.


Sarah Palin has protected and served the citizens of Alaska (population: 683,500) since November 2006.
just bob has protected and served the guests of his facilities (roughly 300,000 per year) since July 2001.

Sarah Palin graduated with an University degree in 1987, attending four colleges in six years.
just bob graduated with an University degree in 1989, earning some college credits while still in high school.

Sarah Palin was a sports reporter for an Anchorage Television station in 1988.
just bob interned for NBA and NHL team public relations departments in 1993-94.

Sarah Palin listed a state owned jet on eBay although no successful bidder came forward.
just bob listed an autographed photo of John Vanbiesbrouck on eBay with a successful sale.

Sarah Palin is a member of the NRA.
just bob is a member of IAAM.

Sarah Palin finished second in the Miss Alaska Pageant.
just bob finished second in his second grade spelling bee.

Sarah Palin is a self-described "hockey mom."
just bob is a self-described "hockey fan."

Not too much difference except just bob has never been referred to as "hot" or a "milf." Now mind you, if John McCain had called I would not have answered the phone. But if Barack had gone down a few phone numbers on his call list, I would proudly be on the campaign trail right now. Apparently I have all the "relevant experience" it takes to be a heartbeat away from the presidency.

bob's blue balls

I have blue balls.
Two of them.
Being male and alone, it makes sense that I have them.
They are relatively new and hardly used.
I'm the only one that's seen them.
Until now.........
















Anyone else use the Downy Ball? These things are great. Let me take a couple of steps back. I never used fabric softener before in my life. Why you ask? Well, growing up Mom never used fabric softener and all of my domestic skills I owe to her. Mom also always used Tide laundry detergent, Dawn for dishes and Crest toothpaste. Guess what products are in just bob's cabinet? Good guess people. Give yourselves a gold star.

Anyway, I didn't know from fabric softener. I'm a guy, not much of one, but a guy nonetheless. Clothes are either clean or dirty right? OK, sometimes clothes have been worn and not technically clean but certainly aren't dirty either. If they are dirty you wash them. Detergent, water, wash, rinse, spin, dry; all pretty simple and straight forward. Imagine how my world was turned upside down when on vacation this summer and I went downstairs to the basement to help Mom with the laundry. I see her filling this little ball with some sort of fluid, dropping it into the washer, and setting the dial. So it was explained to me that it was fabric softener, that she started using it when she moved back up north, and that it made laundry feel and smell better during the harsh winters. My aunt gave her the heads-up on the whole Downy Ball thingy.

Armed with this new found laundry technology, I search high and low when I got back home for these magical orbs. They operate on the principle of centrifugal force. The fabric softener is loaded into the ball and the ring on top is pulled to seal it in. (A blue ball filled with creamy white liquid is somewhat disturbing but I digress) The ball floats harmlessly during the wash cycle. The science kicks in during the rinse phase. As the washer drum spins, the ball is slung to the drum wall. Inside the ball, the weighted stem (being heavier than the rest of the ball) is propelled towards the drum wall with greater force thereby pulling the sealing cap away from the lid and releasing the fabric softener at the opportune time... the money shot.

I tried it for the first time last weekend and it really works. Clothes do feel and smell more comfortable. It also is supposed to help with the hard water we have here, but that I can not confirm. There is a great likelihood that I bought them simply because the gadgetry behind them was wicked cool and not that I truly wanted softer clothes. Anything to make laundry more exciting is definitely welcome. Maybe I'll take up extreme ironing next. Afterall, I've been wearing unsoften clothes for over 40 years now. Would softer boxers make my life better? In a small, small way it is better. And yes, my two balls are still blue, even after they are emptied.

Two in a row

Last week I had two really good pieces in a row on this blog. Sometimes I feel like I put up a post just to have something up there and to be active. But this time I was proud of both Sara Smith writes just bob and The Chair. One was humorous and the other serious and reflective but both were well written (in my mind). I was even more pleased when the comments came back so positive. People seemed not only to appreciate the theme and tone behind the posts, but also the style of writing and the crafting of the words and thoughts. It means a lot when people respond to my writing, and even more when they can see a glimpse of potential in the prose.

I don't think it's any coincidence when both were written. The first was on a Friday night, the beginning of a long three-day weekend. The latter was written on a Sunday morning over two (ok, maybe three) cups of coffee sitting on my deck. The stress of work and overshadowing negative environment it entails was behind me, if only for the upcoming 72 hours. My mind was settled, not under siege with the constant bombardment of their petty personalities. My mind was free to roam where it wanted to go, free to be carefree and funny, free to marshal its resources, in this case words, grammar and style, to create meaningful pieces of writing. It was free to be what it once was.

How powerful could my mind be if it were this free all the time? Could I be a better person? Could I be a better employee and leader? Could I be happier? Could I give more to the people around me? Could I invent the next great product? Could I write that book I frequently think about without the aborted starts and frustrating stops? Could I remember what channel MSNBC was on without having to look it up?

I see a great comparison between my mind and my golf game. This shouldn't surprise many people as I find numerous parallels between golf and life. There are times on the course when everything falls into place and I make the perfect swing. Stance, balance, grip, set-up, tempo, posture, turn, transition, release and follow through culminate in the exact shot, ball flight, and result that I envisioned. It is a thing of beauty. It's a flash of potential that if harnessed would transform an average player to an exceptional player. But the consistency isn't there and I can't make it happen each and every time. It is frustrating to know, really know deep down and believe that I could be that good but can't do it a majority of the time.

The same goes with my mind. I know deep down that I can do a multitude of things (including blogging) much better than I am right now. It's frustrating that my mind isn't able to function anywhere near its potential. Those blogs gave me a glimpse into the way things used to be, the way they could be all the time. They optimistically reminded me of a level of quality I'm capable of achieving, but conversely grounded me with the realization that it may not be possible without a change in scenery. I'm torn between being relieved to know I haven't lost my skills completely and sad to be reminded it has been so long since I've been free enough to exercise them to their fullest. It is in those divergent emotions that you find a frustrated soul, struggling to share his creativity, fondly recalling past successes, blocked by the interference of a distracting environment.

Professional Weather Forecast

Today's professional weather forecast:

Thunder was heard in Oklahoma City as the NBA's Seattle Supersonics officially became the Oklahoma City Thunder

Meanwhile back in Seattle, the WNBA's Seattle Storm still reigned (or rained)

On the WNBA's opposite coast, there was Sun today in Connecticut

Further down the Eastern Seaboard, NHL fans in Carolina are on the lookout for Hurricanes

While Florida is the most active on the map with NBA style Heat in Miami

A Storm is forecast in Tampa Bay for Arena Football fans

And those Tampa Bay Storms are likely to contain NHL caliber Lightning strikes.

And Anonymous Boxer and CSI Seattle, you guys up there got a raw deal by Clay Bennett buying and moving the Sonics. He never had any intention of keeping that team in Seattle despite all his public gestures and outright lies. Just another example of greedy owners holding cities and taxpayers hostage to get palaces built for their millionaire players to perform in for record ticket prices.

Now you might be asking yourselves, "What the heck does all this silliness have to do with Sarah Palin?" Well, actually it doesn't have anything to do with politics on either side of the aisle. Even for someone as interested in politics as I am, it's a nice change of pace these days.

A Matter of Character

IF character is an issue in the upcoming presidential election, people need to look no further than this:

"Why is Chelsea Clinton so ugly? Because her father is Janet Reno."

Sen. John McCain, speaking to a Republican dinner, June 1998.

OR THIS

"Let me be as clear as possible, I think people's families are off-limits, and people's children are especially off-limits. This shouldn't be part of our politics. It has no relevance to Gov. Palin's performance as governor or her potential performance as a vice president. How a family deals with issues and teenage children, that shouldn't be the topic of our politics, and I hope that anybody who is supporting me understands that's off-limits."

Sen. Barack Obama, speaking to the media, September 2008.

As Barack said in his speech Thursday... Enough. As Barack demonstrated Monday, actions speak louder than words.

It's Tuesday

I don't wanna go back to work today.... please don't make me.