Independent to a fault

I've always been fiercely independent. I had to be. This was instilled early in my life as a member of single parent home. I shouldn't use the word instilled, as it implies someone taught me to be this way. It was actually self-learned. Living with just my mom and brother, I had to grow up quickly. Mom worked split-shifts as a telephone operator. She'd get us off to school in the morning, then head to work herself. Then she'd pick us up from school, spend some time with us making sure homework was started and dinner was eaten together as a family. Then she'd head off to her 4-hour evening shift while we were left to tend to things like dishes, laundry, feeding the dogs, etc. She's was always home at the end of the night to tuck us into bed. She's a great mother and now you know a little more why I'm so attached to her. You can also see she wasn't around a great deal during the formative teen years.

But this lifestyle left me to fend for myself. If I had questions, or needed help, I was sort of out there on my own. I had to figure out things solo, experiment and make mistakes until I got things right, and generally improvise to make things work out when they weren't exactly the way they should have been. I don't see this as totally a bad thing. In my opinion, many kids these days have too much spoon-fed to them, led through every little thing, and they don't learn how to think on their own. But in my own life, while I benefited from the experience of thinking on my own I also was hurt by not picking up an important skill... knowing when to ask for help. There was never anyone there for me to ask when I needed help, so I plowed on straight ahead and tried to figure things out myself. It didn't always work out (hence the plumber having to fix the shower after my "repair") but on average I did ok. Still, even if I knew I needed help, I wouldn't ask for it fearing I'd be admitting I couldn't handle it on my own and more importantly disappointing someone.

That's why it was such a big step when I finally saw a therapist in the early 2000's. I knew I was messed up. I knew that I had tried to help myself and nothing worked. I knew I had one major depressive episode in 1995 and in researching the subject knew the next one was going to be worse. I knew that if I didn't get help this time it could end with me in a box six-feet underground. So I took the leap and reached out. He wasn't great, but he got me through that time and referred me to a psychiatrist who got me on medication. Come to think of it, we never really addressed the whole subject of my reluctance to reach out for help. Like I said, I guess he wasn't that great.

It's this resistance that's gotten me into so many bad circumstances in my life. My current credit situation, a poor decision about retirement planning, and figuring out a way to dig my way out of those are directly a result of not calling on an expert. Of course, I haven't contacted a financial planner yet. It probably should not come as a big shock that I once contemplated going into court and represent myself for something more serious than running a red light. (I have won in traffic court on my own!) Fortunately, I came to my senses and got a lawyer. I've only taken a couple of golf lessons in my life, opting instead to teach myself what is one of the more difficult games to master. My scores probably haven't improved significantly in ten years. Do you think a few lessons from a professional might just get me over that hump? Do you think I'll seek out one?

This is just one of those things I don't think that I'll ever be able to change. It is too engrained in me on a base level to alter. No matter how many, and how big, the mistakes I make I likely won't reach out until I'm desperate... like my first therapy visit. Although, when I asked for help at my former employer and was roundly ignored and told I needed to work it out on my own it had an opposite effect. I took the snub as a signal that it was time to leave and that landed me out here. How's that working out so far? So much for asking for help!