Home Games

When I lived in the dorms in college, my roommate and I would buy our own toilet paper. This was done for a couple of reasons. First off, the public restrooms in our dorm would always be out of t.p. by end of the weekend. That meant a trek to the actual library on Sunday night or Monday morning if you needed to take care of business. With our own supply, we were well equipped should the need arise.

The second reason was that our school bought possibly the cheapest and worst t.p. on the market. This one-ply stuff was so thin you could read the newspaper through it. What it lacked in thickness it made up for it in texture. This 50-grit paper was coarse enough to do serious damage to the most paint jobs not to mention to our unmentionables.

The place I work at now is close to approaching this level of uncomfortable wiping. I know why we purchase this industrial sized and grade product, but that doesn't bring any consolation when I sit down to drop a deuce. Frequently I'll bring along the newspaper or a magazine to catch up on some business reading. On more than one occasion I've considered sacrificing a page or two in an effort to gain a measure of comfort following the momentous event. But eventually my overwhelming fear of printers ink being carcinogenic if used improperly leaves the unholy roller as the only option.

I'm not a big fan of "road games." I'd rather take care of business on my own turf. In general, things come out better in the end for me during home games. Familiar surroundings, soothing sounds, and luxurious, quilted, two-ply or three-ply toilet paper allow me the confidence to sit and smile. I'll buy generic store brand paper towels, garbage bags, household cleaners, and even cereal. I refuse to skimp when it comes to my toilet paper. There's no feeling in the world like knowing you have the home field advantage when that bathroom door closes and the pressing issues of the day weigh heavy upon you. Wiping away all those worries makes the world a better place to live.