Sidelining depression

I was thinking last night as I lay in bed unable to fall asleep that I have not written in a while about my depression. That was brought to mind because RC had mentioned in a comment recently that: "Anyway, what I find so interesting about this post is there isn't that usual despair that I've read in your posts before...there is a twinge of hope." Of course, this sparked some more thought on my part. Hence, this post.

I know that my depression is never far from the surface. RC is correct, I haven't had the kind of spike lately that would trigger one of those Fog inducing episodes. Not getting interviewed for that last job opportunity did not reach the level of plunging me into the darkness. Why haven't those kinds of things brought me down? In the past I would have disappeared for days, retreated into my foxhole, and sought solace of mind on my own. It would have taken days, sometimes weeks to slowly emerge back into society. But why not this time? Do I really have a twinge of hope somewhere inside me?

I haven't felt well lately physically. Nothing really stands out as a glaring concern, but just a collection of little things that one on top of the next have been affecting me recently. That's one of the things that has taken my attention. It's also one of the reasons I have been blogging less frequently... sleep substituting for writing. But the overwhelming thing that has distracted me is the state of the country in which we live. I've spent so much time worrying about the other 305+ million fellow Americans that I haven't had the time or inclination to ruminate over my problems, concerns, and failings. The possible fall and collapse of our country's economy, people losing their jobs and homes, 401(k) retirement plans being decimated on a daily basis on Wall Street, no end in sight to conflicts in Iraq and Afghanistan/Pakistan, people in the southeast still unable to get gasoline weeks after Hurricanes Gustov and Ike, a soon to arrive winter and skyrocketing home heating bills awaiting those in the Northeast, people struggling once again to rebuild their lives in Texas and Louisiana, on and on and on and on. In my mind there is so much uncertainty about all of our futures that there is no time to be selfish and worry about my own irrational problems.

Even closer to home, Suzanne is struggling with all that is on her plate, Robyn is battling cancer again, Random Chick is under the weather and in pain, and Mr. Shife has a new baby on the way and just got laid off, Karen is reliving a nightmare, and Cecile is having a crap day. Everyone is on the ropes, trying to survive the round only to come out to fight again. How can I possibly complain about my minutiae while so many others have so many more significant issues?

The Red Sox are in the playoffs and I can't get excited about it. I played golf for the first time in over three months and did much better than I could have ever imagined. Even that could only register a fleeting smile, a sense of accomplishment, then a realization that I wish I could play more but can't due to life. You all know work sucks, so need to even go there. My underlying depression is ever present but currently under wraps. It is on the sidelines, studying the field, waiting to come into the game. There is no joy in my life, but the personal lows haven't been that low. So I haven't been bitching about it. When it moves back into the forefront, you'll know.