The alarm goes off and the routine starts:
The adrenaline and shock that wakes me up doesn't go away. You know that nervous, jumpy feeling you get when someone yells BOO! behind you? It feels like that but doesn't subside until I'm finally home at night. The coffee is already made, the timer having been set the night before. It's decaffeinated now as I can't drink too much of the regular anymore because of the nerves. About half way through that first cup of decaf, my stomach starts to churn. It's a feeling that can only be described as heartburn in the top of my chest, and Taco Bell's revenge in my colon. The pepto tablets stuffed in my office drawer will take care of that when I get there. I pull into the parking garage at work, my heart rate accelerates and my breathing becomes shallow. I stop to remind myself to take deep, cleansing breaths. I can only imagine how I look to those walking around me, exhaling like a woman going through a painful labor.
Finally at my office, the first thing I do after opening the door is look for a flashing red light on my phone. Any voice mail before 8:30am is never good news. I start my computer, get the coffee started, and pop those two peptos to keep my rumbling stomach silenced. I've switched the office over to half-caffeine coffee. I joke and tell them it's so I can drink twice as much; when in reality it is so I don't spin out of control in a dangerous combination of jumpy nerves and racing heartbeat mixed with a caffeine overdose. The day progresses, some better than others, some worse than average, but rarely ever comfortable or pleasant. I don't leave exactly at 5:01pm, not wanting to give the impression that I'm dying to get out of there. So generally between 5:15-5:30 I'll button things up. "I've had enough fun for the day," I'll tell the folks in the finance department as I lock my office and make my departure.
I can feel my shoulders slump, the tension on them easing and allowing them back to their natural position. The heart rate returns back to semi-normal, only interrupted by the normal aggravation of driving downtown in a large city. It will take hours to unwind once I get home. Occasionally a stress headache will interrupt the process, demanding to be quelled before any other relaxing can take place. Gone thankfully are the days when I would self medicate myself with alcohol to speed things along. Most nights it is a gentle landing, easing into comfort zone to read, watch TV or blog. Some times it is a crash landing; with the weight of the world finally lifted I fall asleep on the couch before 8:00pm. I usually awake in time to set the timer on the coffee maker and go to bed before midnight. Some times peace doesn't come, leaving me to turn restlessly in my bed wishing for any kind of beneficial sleep. On those nights I wash down a Tylenol PM with a glass of milk.
Sleep eventually overtakes me, and another weeknight is over. The alarm goes off and the routine starts anew with the rising of the sun.
Friday, April 3, 2009
The Routine
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22 comments:
if you go on like that you'll die
♥
What Kylie said. She is my new heroine.
Jeez, dude. Lighten the fuck up.
It's the weekend! I think you need to take a walk around the block before you button things up. It might be a way to tell your body you are getting out of there so your decompression can start early.
Happy weekend.
Happy Birthday!
I agree with merelyme, in general brisk walks help dispel anxiety. It sounds like a pointless old saw about exercise, but I did it on Friday and it really really helped.
i dont want you to die
That was not a pretty picture. I hope you find some peace soon.
I have no words of wisdom for you. Just hang in there.
Don't you think if it was as easy as "lighten the f%$# up" I would have done that?
re: Bob dying. He won't, not from this. Contrary to what I think people believe, even severe anxiety doesn't kill you. That's one of the ideas that makes anxious people feel more anxious. But feeling miserable's not so great. I'm sorry to hear about the pounding, dreadful, free-floating anxiety especially. I still stand by the idea of a walk. It's a quick fix for an anxiety attack, not really a long-term solution. But it takes a bit of pressure off, which is good even if it's only for an hour.
Another boring old saw short-term prescription: laughter. I like to watch a really dopey funny movie by myself and cackle my head off.
I'd be out of there at 5 on the dot. Who gives a shit what they think??? Who cares what impression they get by you jetting out of there precisely at 5? Do yourself ONE favor, and get the hell out of there by five. Sharp. Think how good you'll feel getting home nearly a half hour early. Think of the good things you can do for yourself with that extra time. Fuck 'em. who cares what they think? You put your time in, and deserve to leave on time. No other reason than that. We find so many ways to torment ourselves when the answer is so simple. Just be good to ourselves starting with one small step! Just doooooo it, Bob. Don't die of a heart attack or stroke by the time you're 45. Just don't.
Well described Bob- the work treadmill. The drive home is a good time to offload work- but I find that work has a way of sticking to you, infecting your mind and spirit if you can't offload; even infecting your dreams.
So I echo above comments when I say I do hope you find a way to relax/unwind especially on your 'days off'.
...what Karen says...BUT 'ef 'em! I'd leave at five TO five! :)
...take the walk though bob!
Sorry, that was a mean comment. I'm sorry.
and while people are taking things back i guess i was well meaning but tactless?
i know nothing about anxiety so at this point i wish you the best and shut up
Just checking in. Hope your weekend's going okay--
Happy Birthday Bob!
I think today would be a great day for a birthday. Maybe just because I am feelin me some cake! ;)
OK, I'm feeling a bit better, so perhaps, I can type a semi-coherent comment. I, like you, hate most of the people I work with too. I have tried to fit in with them in this past year, but I realize, that I never will. I do, on the other hand, love the work that I do. This new place of employment has opened my resume wide open. I have gained new experience in several new areas. Which makes me feel that the decision I made a year ago to come to this place was the right decision. But, I still leave at 3:30 on the dot. And like Karen suggested, when I can, I leave at 3:25. I usually spend the last 15 minutes of my work day watching the clock, itching to leave, and I make no bones about it. They know I can barely stand to be there one minute longer. But I am responsible, I get my work done, and I'm efficient, and that is what matters in my job. Not if I stick around an extra 15 minutes or so. So if you get your work done, that should be enough. If quitting time is 5. Get out of there at 5. It isn't easy. Some days it really is a chore to put on a smile and act professionl. But the work week hell just makes the weekends that much more enjoyable. I hope you are able to find a new job soon.
I stopped taking medication when I moved two years ago for a number of reasons. I know I should probably be on something, but I can't tell you what is worse... what not taking meds is doing to me or what taking the medication does to me. Some days are worse than others, and they have been adding up lately.
It's Sunday morning and I can be alone all day, so that will help. The less I interact with the general population the better off. Sorry to be such a whiner.
Hey Bob, aren't we blogging friends part of the "general population?" If we aren't, what the hell are we??? *Looks around.* You interact beautifully with us (well, except for that the one time you became a bit impatient with me, but apologize quickly! THANK GOD!!!). You'll probably never read this, but that's okay. It's been fun to write.
Hope you're feeling better this Sunday evening. I always think about you and hope your struggles are few when you wake to coffee in the morn. Perhaps you should have a bit of food with your decaf. That might help. You may want to reconsider meds as well. In particular, one for your tummy because heartburn is no fun.
I love you dear friend and hope your wade through this muck is successful. I recommend buying those gorgeous English wading boots. They're a bit pricey, but oh so beautiful and seem to help with duck hunting, pond cleaning, gardening, rose pruning, horse stall cleaning, looking manly, looking sexy, are worn by Lords, a Prince or two, a few Kings and some pretty Blotties!!! I say throw on a pair, make a niece hot cup of decaf Joe, put your "waders" up, relax over some toast, the paper and a bit of protein, then drive to the office and walk in like you mean business (try not to make that squishing sound). That's if you can find the gas pedal with those damn things on. Then leave promptly at 5pm. Take care of Bob. Cuz I love Bob and agree with all the others who do too.
Oh, and just so you know, I took down the "This Old Neighborhood" post, not because it wasn't worthy, but because it was painful to view. It was a very happy period of my life and this phase is a wee bit difficult! You're comment was so kind and appreciated. I responded, but think I may have taken the post down before you had a chance to read. Sorry about that. Thanks Bob. I'll email the comment if you don't have it. I do have your email address, remember? If you didn't read it email. You have my email address, remember?
Oh, and just so you know, I disabled the comment page because I needed time for "me." I never take time for me because I'm so busy helping everyone and everything else. If comments kept coming in I'd try to answer them, you know me. But I'm exhausted both physically and mentally and need to not feel responsible even if briefly. I feel very guilty, but I know I'll come back healthier and stronger given time to exhale. And I'll be a better friend to all. That's of course if I can make it thought all the spring cleaning, chores, housework, kitty problems, T-Bone allergy problems, meetings, phone calls, etc.! Yes Bob, it's true. We all have problems!!! In fact I was walking into the 99 cent store with literally $3.50 to my name in cash. A homeless woman approached me asking for "anything." I'd driven out of my way to the 99 cent store for only three freakin' things. I pulled out my wad of cash and gave her a dollar and I swear to God she said "You have three and you can only give me one." I hesitate, then walked away. Then walked back and said "You know what, I came here for three things and gave you one, and you never even said "thanks."
I love you very much and hope Monday is a new beginning, rather than a continuation of the norm.
Take care. I'll be back soon to make your life a misery!!!
XO Blottie
P.S. I'm not going to comment above, but want you to know I did enjoy the photos. How lovely. And I'm going to tell you right now, I want to learn that slide "thingie!" But for now, I'm trying to lay low!
;)
My suspicions have been confirmed. You yanks work too hard. You need to learn to skive off.
Bob, I'm learning that my mind is more powerful than I could ever have imagined. The trick is trying to reprogram it. I'm not doing so well in that department. I kind of feel like I'm learning to walk again...and I hate it.
It starts with one thought: I will survive this. And it goes from there. Check out this video on youtube...it really helped me:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AaO4fV87x7Q&feature=PlayList&p=A0BF323133963DAA&index=0&playnext=1
I just watched RC's link. I laughed my ass off!!! Why did I come back here? Have no clue!!! Hi honey!
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