I quit

I had a really good, positive posting in mind that would have gone here but that will have to wait for another time.

I quit (almost) #1: I came this close to quitting my job today. Without a backup plan or nest egg to land on, it would have been a huge mistake. It took me a few moments to mull over the benefits of homelessness vs. my shitty job, shitty co-workers, and right now shitty life choice. Reason won out. There's no guarantee that I won't wait till that next paycheck comes and a full month's rent is payed that I might not say fuck it. I hate these people, I hate how they're ruining a tremendous opportunity, and I hate what they do to my mental stability and ability to enjoy life. I'm not a religious person at all, but I'm going to pray tonight that the resume I sent out recently or the inquiries I've made amongst industry friends will yield an opportunity and get me out of this fucking hell hole.

I quit #2: I quit Elsie. Maybe the more accurate statement would be that I quit the hope of Elsie. It's a good bet, short of a miracle, that you'll never again read that combination of letters again on this blog. She is a great person. She's beautiful, intelligent, witty, entertaining, and down right sexy as hell. She truly is the only really attractive woman who's ever shown any interest in me. I've met some nice women, cute in their own way, but no one like her, ever. We were both in a place in our lives where we knew what we wanted, or didn't want, and somehow I thought they matched perfectly. I don't know if she ever really meant it when she said she wanted to get together again when things slowed down in her life. She'd always been honest with me before, so I took her at her word. But someone who can't put aside a few hours in over four months to even sit down for dinner and drinks isn't trying very hard. Someone who won't even return a "how you doing?" message isn't trying at all. I read a quote on a blog last night (I'm so sorry I don't remember which one, they really deserve credit for it): "Don't let someone become a priority in your life if you're only an option in their life." It's clear I'm not even an option. She was my lone light in this now horrific choice to move to California, and she snuffed it out for me. I have enough misery to deal with (see #1), I can't allow "what could have been" with her to depress me any more. I quit.

I quit #3: I quit thinking there is someone for me. I won't even start looking anymore. I've resigned myself to the fact that person doesn't exist. I'm in full lock-down, crisis control, self defense mode. I was never an open person. The few times I've lowered the tower gate and permitted someone behind the castle walls they've crushed me. I'm not an attractive person. I'm not tall, dark, handsome, or wealthy. More than once a women I was interested in has said: "You're a great guy, women should be lined up to meet you" or words to that effect. She (see #2) being the most recent with that bullshit inspirational message. The ironic thing is when I reply: "we should try going out then" the answer has always been no. It's funny how that works out... you're good enough for all of those women in line but not me. I've never seen this mythical line, and I suspect there never has been, is, or will be one. The immediate reaction of the depressive mind is to seize on a negative thought and build upon it. I can't afford to torture myself right now a with series of what if's and what will never be's. Erase the doubt and stop trying.

I quit (maybe) #4: I possibly quit sobriety. I have abused alcohol all my adult life. Drinking for me has rarely been about feeling good, it's been about not feeling bad or not feeling at all. Over the years I was able to get away with it. That was until last year when it finally bit me. Since that fateful night in January 2007, I've promised myself I will only have a drink when I want one, not when I feel like I need one. 16 months later I have lived up to that commitment to myself and have not drank to escape the demons inside my head. A wine at dinner or a beer at the ballgame sure, but not a self-prescribed dose of numbness. There's an ice cold twelve pack in the fridge right now that may not be there in the morning.

I quit (not) #5: I'm not quitting blogging. Quite frankly this exercise and those people who I have "met" over the past week are the only things keeping me sane right now. In what is a terrible time professionally and nonexistent time personally, you're the people I see behind me like in the Verizon advertisements. Blogging has become the therapy I am not getting elsewhere. Please know that the support, encouragement, laughter, and tears that those of you who are reading and responding bring me are a lifeline at this moment. You are a far-away light that flickers faintly with the message that there may be light somewhere in this darkness.