I feel like I've been back sliding lately. I made a decision over two years ago to only have a drink when I wanted one, not when I needed one. Over the past 24 months, it hasn't always been easy but I've kept this resolution to myself. I made countless conscious efforts to not stop on my way home for a quick drink, or to pick up a six pack to unwind. While it's not always an admirable trait, once I get home from work I'm usually planted for the night. So if there is no alcohol at home when I get there, I'm too lazy to go out to get some. Sloth finally paying off.
Unfortunately, I got a lot of booze for the holidays. One bottle of wine here, a bottle of vodka there, and it all adds up quickly. It's free, and it's at home. Well, at least it was at home. The holiday gifts have already become holiday recyclables and I can say that I didn't want many of those drinks. In fact, it would be fairly safe to assume I didn't want any of them. (The Fat Tire during the bowl games being the exception.) It bothers me that I let myself down yet again and went back on my promise. It bothers me that I'm not strong enough to resist that temptation. It bothers me that other things which I thought I had under control have also gone off track as well. It bothers me that it was so easy to fall into old habits.
I don't want this to seem like it's all about the alcohol, because it's not. It's more about the disappointment of failing to meet my own standards. It's knowing that I took the easy route when it was provided to me rather than the more challenging road. It's having that drink when I needed it and it's gaining 10 pounds because I used food as a substitute for joy yet again. Part of it is knowing that I'd be the only one to notice the changes. I think I've had my wake-up call and will recommit myself to my alcohol promise and others, but I also wonder if I'm heading down a bumpy road that I've been down before and don't want to see again. As much as some things have changed, there are issues which remain the same and are out there trip me up. Some are easily seen and avoided but some are lurking in the weeds, disguised or invisible, like landmines waiting to explode upon contact.
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
An unkept promise
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11 comments:
Bob: I told myself last year that 2008 was going to my year to get back into shape, get financially secure, etc- but I tripped up. I'm not looking back though- you have to look forward. Whatever happened over the holidays happened and you can't change it. Today, tomorrow and the rest of your life is all you can change...
Hi, Bob.
Yeah, those old promises we make to ourselves... Mine was not to smoke, and despite my efforts, once again, I've backslid, and right on the heels of all the proud of me comments everyone left on my blog. Ugh, sometimes I can't stand my own self. Or is it my weakness that I hate? Maybe it isn't the SELF I despise, but my inability at times to stay strong. Maybe we should learn more how to give ourselves a flipping break, and then maybe the rest will ease up enough to let us gather our strength again, to fight our weaknesses. Our weaknesses CAN'T be stronger, that is impossible, right? I'm kind of doing a weird stream of consciousness here... Maybe it will help us both, a little.
Nice chatting with ya, Bob. Take care of you, ok?
You want to know something funny? I saw Karen and thought, "Oh, I'm so happy she's introduced herself." Forgetting I met her through you!!! Shut up! I know, that's just too funny. Shit. No, I'm not going to stop laughing because I can't. Bob, that's too damn funny.
Now about the booze. Cut yourself some slack. After my experience at the park yesterday I realized something important. Life isn't predictable or easy, so just work with it. Be flexible and cut yourself slack. I love you so much and am confident you'll find your way, and no, the journey isn't easy. I honestly don't think it's supposed to be. We're all still here for you no matter what.
With much love,
Blottie XO
Bob,
That's a pretty tough resolution. I don't know if I can make that one myself yet, but I am consciously trying. And I have seen some progress.
Don't be too hard on yourself. The holidays are notorious for not being holidays at all, you know.
Boy, this dialogue sure sounds familiar! I've had the same thoughts about things I've failed to do or promises I've broken to myself.
A close friend of mine once told me when I was being particularly hard on myself for falling back to old habits, "You know, you are trying. It's okay to take 5 steps forward, and 2 steps back." I try to remember that and not be so critical of myself and my mistakes.
I know how frustrating it is...but
I hope sharing that with you helps in some way.
Firstly I read this as an 'unkempt' promise... which made me snigger, sorry!
I can't say it any better than those other guys - don't be too hard on yourself... if we didn't screw up, we wouldn't realise what doing well was... right? xxx
I am just going to cut and paste - put this on my blog and call it mine. Just because you wrote it doesn't mean it is just yours ;)
WV - ectese
Baby, why did you erase? It deserved to be here. It explained so much.
Suzanne... I haven't erased anything.
Just keep fighting the good fight Bob and try to keep moving forward. Looking back it is easy to beat yourself up but keep on striving to do the right thing. You have a lot of people here to support and encourage you so please remember that.
Addressing and acknowledging are the first steps. I'm proud of you for that. I like what RC said – five steps forward and two steps back. You’re still moving in the right direction just maybe not as fast as you’d like.
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