An old soul

Yesterday someone at the office told me that I had an old soul. Since she is slightly older than me (about 10 years?), I was interested what she meant by this and asked her to elaborate. According to her, I have a calmness and maturity about me that outpaces my 40+ years on earth. She went on to say that I was wise beyond my years and had a personality of someone who had seen and done more than others my age.

It was somewhat flattering, and somewhat confusing. I do feel like I've been more "grown up" over the years than other people my age. When you lose your father at 12 years old, you feel like you have to grow up pretty quick. You learn all the things that "men" do on your own without the help of the guiding hand of Dad. I taught myself to shave when it was time, and to tie a windsor knot on my own. All of that was secondary to making sure my brother and I were taking care of Mom. She made sure we got the best education possible, there was a roof over our heads, and food on the table. It was the least we could do to make sure that things around the house ran smoothly, the yard got mowed, the hedges trimmed, all of the little fix-it things got done, and we kept our noses clean and out of trouble. It was a middle class life less one important person.

It took away our innocence, some carefree days of youth, and gave us some maturity at an early age. I've always been more comfortable around people older than me. From those early days, it has always seemed that I had more in common with an older generation than peers my age. Whether it be at work, on the golf course, or anyplace else I generally tend to gravitate toward them. It is probably because I grew up around them, they tend to be safe, and there is none of the awkwardness of trying to fit in among those of the same generation. Not that I don't have people in my life my age, but I feel more secure amongst those who are my senior.

While being perceived as an old soul, I often feel like I haven't grown up enough. I haven't done many of the things other my age have accomplished. No wife, no 2.5 kids, no white picket fence. I readily admit I'm not the most responsible person when it comes to my money, having made mistakes that continue to affect me to this day. There is no nest egg in case something happens, not nearly enough in my retirement 401(k), and a whopping $6.71 in my savings account. With all of these insecurities and flaws, people expect me to be the old soul. They depend on that calmness and maturity that outpaces my 40+ years. It is hard for me to reconcile these two wildly separate places inside me. How can I be an old soul when I don't always feel confident about taking care of myself? How do I capture some of the carefree qualities of youth that I missed out on when I'm expected to be the wise and mature one? I'm not sure I'll ever know.