My biggest mistake

This has nothing to do with the rest of this post but since we're all sharing our lives here goes. I finished a can of Edge Shaving Gel today, and of course tossed it away thinking nothing of it. When I got home from work, this is what I found.

In case you haven't figured it out, here's what happened. It must have been so hot in my apartment today while I was at work that the can exploded and what little gel was remaining in the can blew out through the dispenser. The warning on the can states, "Do not store at temperature above 120F as container may burst." Not really sure why the full can was fine. I surmise the fresh can doesn't have enough ambient air in it to heat up and raise the pressure high enough to cause an eruption.

Now to the topic at hand. Since I'm fairly certain none of my 10 readers are co-workers, The Brain says I can post this. It's become apparent that my move to California last June is the biggest mistake of my life. Now I've done some stupid things, made some poor judgments, but nothing compared to this. It seemed like a good opportunity, a chance to start new and make a positive move toward improving my overall life. It has turned out to be a monumental flop. Hindsight is always 20/20, but I look back to March 2007 and realize that things were very, very bad but if I had stuck it out would have improved substantially in a few months. The most significant issue would have played it's way out to it's inevitable conclusion. With that past me, the smaller things would have been much more manageable. I look back and see other more positive things on the periphery of my life might have come more into focus and opened up some exciting opportunities personally. One year later, those opportunities have been erased by time and distance which led to my semi meltdown last week. More about them on a different post.

But here I am now. The people I work with are possibly the most dysfunctional group of individuals ever assembled. Unfortunately, it's one of those things I didn't pick up on during the interview and site visit. Kind of like dating (or so I've been told), everyone puts on the best face, smiles pretty, and all looks good. Even after a time, I thought naively that I would be able to make a difference to this group and change the culture that had been fostered over the past 10 plus years in the organization. Nothing is ever going to change these people. I can't work with them any longer. They're either going to be the death of me or drive me to an episode that will end up with me in a mental hospital. I need to get out, this is not the place for me.

The one good thing in California is the winter weather. It's far, far too expensive to live here. In moving here, I was able to improve my annual salary to what I thought would allow me to continue a comfortable life. I certainly wasn't going to get rich, but the plan was for it to be a lateral move financially and to reap the benefits of a change of perspective and weather. Now, the paycheck is spent as soon as I get it, with no opportunity to save or even enjoy some of the hobbies that bring me some enjoyment. All of that discretionary income has been absorbed by a rent increase and living expenses. I've played golf once this calendar year. That is my diversion, the thing that allows me to escape the stress of life's other things for 4 or 5 hours. Now that money is being used to pay the rising monthly rent and to escape things like hunger and an empty gas tank.

For my 10 readers, this post isn't about my depression. This is reality, not the imagined demons and shortcomings rummaging in my mind. This atmosphere I am surrounded by is only accentuating those feelings. Much like the money, I can't begin to improve mentally while I am here being dragged down by people and situation around me. I thought the grass was going to be greener here, but it turns out that it's brown and on fire in California. I'll eventually recover from this, but I can't do it here. My physical and mental health is deteriorating at an accelerating pace. Hopefully the latest flurry of resumes and cover letters will yield an opportunity to begin freeing myself from this predicament.