Rachael Ray is a terrorist

I knew it.... I knew it.
Great Allah I knew it.... Rachael Ray is a terrorist. Commrade Rachael slipped up wearing this keffiyeh-like scarf for a recent Dunkin' Donuts advertisement. It obviously was given to her personally by Osama Bin-Laden. Department of Homeland Security (DHS), the great protector of the motherland, seizing this glaring tip-off has done a thorough investigation into the culinary queen and found a pantry full of evidence.

"We must press on, uncovering the terror threat amongst us," DHS Secretary Michael Chertoff commented after being shown the Dunkin Donuts ad. He added, "Ms. Ray is now considered a person of interest and warrants being watched closely." On direct orders DHS, being the investigative geniuses they are, started their search for the truth on the internets. It didn't take them long to find this banner headline on Commrade Rachael's website.

The search was on. Where there is smoke, there's fire! It must be true, America's darling dinner diva means to bring an end to the democracy. Flaunting it over the internets, the brazen hussy. Now spurred on, DHS knew they needed to expand their search.

They dig a little deeper. Gee, this internets thing is cool. I wonder what happens when you click on that photo tab. AHA!!! Eureka, more evidence!!! This must be a terrorist training camp. Look at her followers, brainwashed and mesmorized by her demonstration. Obviously she's instructing this terrorist cell on the best way to affect the nation's food delivery system. How ingenious... substituting anthrax in a pepper mill and spiking the extra virgin olive oil with serin.

There must be more. Not like the flimsy rules in place to hold foreigners at Guantanamo Bay, DHS needed concrete evidence before taking their case to the American public. Afterall, Ray is a multi-media superstar and since she's not on FOX News she can't be a true red, white, and blue American patriot.

This looks innocent enough. What a cutie pie... no wonder everyone loves her. She sure kicks Julia Child's ass in the hotness department. But wait, that's interesting. Check out the heel on those boots she's wearing. It's clearly not made of the same material as the rest of the shoe. A master of espionage, it must be a shoe bomb!!! No one would ever suspect that. How dare she.... hiding an explosive device in her boot and bringing down a jetliner from her cushy first class seat. First the food system, now terror in the sky.

This must be all the proof they need. How could there be any other explanation for all of these things. Keffiyeh scarf + website banner + terrorist training camp + shoe bomb... it all adds up.
RACHAEL RAY IS A TERRORIST.

Having saved the motherland from an obvious threat, the guys at DHS kick back, open up a true American beer PBR, and do a little personal research. Boys being boys, they surfed on over to their favorite website FHM Magazine to grab a little private time. To their great surprise, they stumbled onto more proof of Ray's terrorist leanings. Check out that skirt... obviously an Islamic inspiration to all her male jihad followers. In true DHS fashion, this pictorial was published in 2003 so of course they're five years behind the curve.

The work of a true American patriot is never done. DHS must be ever vigilant in defense of the motherland. Rumor has it some chick named Danica Patrick has been seen recently in Japan around more of that checkered material. Better look more into the next great American female terrorist.