A Matter of Balance

It's a day to day struggle with balance when you live with depression, even with the relatively low-grade dysthymia that I have. Today has been a battle to keep the scales level, sometimes feeling like they're going to tilt over to the downward side of stability. There are chances that I choose to take, positions that I put myself into which I know may lead to the place I'm in right now. It's never an easy decision to make, whether to charge forward into the battle or to stay in the foxhole and the safety it brings. I weigh the good with the bad, the risk versus the reward, and roll the dice on whether the bullet is going to hit me hard, just graze me, or miss me entirely.

Saturday night and the resulting backlash illustrate this melee of the mind that goes on all too frequently. I went to go see O.A.R. in concert in San Francisco. It was almost like a mini-vacation; getting away from home, seeing the show, and staying in the city overnight at a somewhat nice hotel. But actually going to the concert was the dicey proposition. Concerts are social gatherings, places for groups of people to get together to be entertained and have fun. Those situations put me in an awkward place and fire the first shot in the war. It's difficult for me being around couples and groups, having to ward off the social anxiety of going solo. You would think having done it my whole life it would be no big deal, but it never gets any easier. I concentrated on the music which helped a great deal by narrowing the focus and blocking out the other 1,000 or so people. It's the rebound down afterward that's the bullet in the air. The feelings of anxiety, knowing I've always been a group of one and always will be, creep into the mind. Those feelings go to work gathering their troops, their favorites being insecurity and worthlessness, and begin their assault on my brain. Social gatherings are a constant reminder that I won't have what most people enjoy. I avoid them as much as possible, picking and choosing ones which may offer the greatest value for the least trauma.

So right now, I labor to bring the scale into equilibrium. Trying to find a way to fend off the negative thoughts and feelings, I'll retreat into my foxhole once again. I'll find solitary things to do like reading or crossword puzzles which if chosen correctly won't involve any references to couples. If you don't see me commenting a whole lot on your posts, hopefully you'll understand. It's tough to decide if this concert was a good idea or not, whether hearing the band was enough of a positive to outweigh the resulting anxiety and angst. As I write this, I think I only got grazed by the bullet and might be fine after awhile. If it hit me harder, then I can expect The Fog to roll in to overcome me. Balance is a delicate matter.